me and my experiments or the art of being naïve

Whatever way I've tried, I've overcome it safely and with integrity, because I am recognizably lucky.

Just out of curiosity –always in good faith–, I think about a possibility and follow it until the bitter end.

I know sometimes it seems that my actions are irresponsible or out of all reason, but really I am just being naïve. I just haven't experimented that, so I can't tell if it's right or wrong –from my point of view, at least–, so I have to know, first-hand.

I remember –I will honestly never forget– when I was robbed by the guy I thought was my new drinking partner of the night. But of course, when I think about it, going out by myself to the dark allies of the poor neighborhood at three in the morning, completely drunk, wasn’t the best call. And, well, I can’t really take it on my boyfriend, when he thought I was doing it just to demand his attention, because the alternative is that I was absolutely stupid.

But the truth is that I was so naïve I made art out of it. Or, you know, just very inaccurate resolutions that end up being good stories.

And, well, I could still defend myself by saying that this is just the nature of learning. We don’t know something à we experiment à we understand à we even believe à we even stubbornly believe; because this is our experience, damn it. It’s like we memorize it –in the flesh–.

But sometimes I feel that I have a tendency towards forgetfulness, because I prefer to deny the process of configuring myself. I don’t want to be shaped and defined. I want to have endless possibilities of my being. I don't want to take a side.

*sigh*

The truth is that I am shaped and defined. These days, I realized that I just can’t go back to the good old habits. As in my body doesn’t allow it. It’s an internal fight towards clarity, and against gray zones. I am already on one side.

It is what it is.

I am what I am.